بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

To brave out the storm of one's own heart...I did not know what this might begin to mean until today. I previously thought I'd already known the most difficult kinds of pain in life, of loss of a beloved, and that nothing that I might face in the future would match it. That was erroneous.

Something more difficult than that even is the pain of not knowing, of being in the dark about someone who very easily could become a beloved. This agony of ignorance is...wordless, it consumes and resides behind every other thought. Allah knows how I survive such moments when the storm is fiercest, but alhamdulillah He wills it and I continue onward.

Such is the price of moving forward, of chasing something beyond even dreams, something I did not think this life could ever hope to offer. It is the chance to be with someone who resonates on the physical and emotional level, whose heart is selflessly beautiful and tender in its own meager selfishness. It is a heart I would love to chase, to meet, to know. For now though, I can do naught but be patient, with a most beautiful patience. Allah knows, what I seek is well worth whatever intermediary tremors of the heart may be felt. Then to couple that desire of having a more certain, less isolated journey through this life leading to what I pray is the Pinnacle of Peaks...sets up to be beyond amazing. All it takes from me is all that I am, submitted completely and entirely to Allah, limitless patience sourced from the bounties of Allah, perseverance and fortitude to resist and overcome my own doubts and questioning nature, every faculty of sense I can muster to not follow the devils down their own rabbit hole of doom, to not ever give in to despair, to never be dissuaded by those who don't see what I see or hope for what I hope, to love continuously as if there was no barrier between myself and my Rabb, no barrier between me and life, that my dreams be sustained regardless of anything this dunya can throw at me...just all that is what it takes. Who can aid me in something like this, if not Allah? 

No one, only Him