بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

To brave out the storm of one's own heart...I did not know what this might begin to mean until today. I previously thought I'd already known the most difficult kinds of pain in life, of loss of a beloved, and that nothing that I might face in the future would match it. That was erroneous.

Something more difficult than that even is the pain of not knowing, of being in the dark about someone who very easily could become a beloved. This agony of ignorance is...wordless, it consumes and resides behind every other thought. Allah knows how I survive such moments when the storm is fiercest, but alhamdulillah He wills it and I continue onward.

Such is the price of moving forward, of chasing something beyond even dreams, something I did not think this life could ever hope to offer. It is the chance to be with someone who resonates on the physical and emotional level, whose heart is selflessly beautiful and tender in its own meager selfishness. It is a heart I would love to chase, to meet, to know. For now though, I can do naught but be patient, with a most beautiful patience. Allah knows, what I seek is well worth whatever intermediary tremors of the heart may be felt. Then to couple that desire of having a more certain, less isolated journey through this life leading to what I pray is the Pinnacle of Peaks...sets up to be beyond amazing. All it takes from me is all that I am, submitted completely and entirely to Allah, limitless patience sourced from the bounties of Allah, perseverance and fortitude to resist and overcome my own doubts and questioning nature, every faculty of sense I can muster to not follow the devils down their own rabbit hole of doom, to not ever give in to despair, to never be dissuaded by those who don't see what I see or hope for what I hope, to love continuously as if there was no barrier between myself and my Rabb, no barrier between me and life, that my dreams be sustained regardless of anything this dunya can throw at me...just all that is what it takes. Who can aid me in something like this, if not Allah? 

No one, only Him

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 A man but chases, that which he knows has no replacements, the first his Creator, unique and without equal, Who knows and decrees, matters too fine and too broad for any other to perceive, then after the Prophetic example, of a Man with revelation as his cloak and mantle, a guide unparalleled among all mortals. 

His book speaks of creation in pairs, of mates from among ourselves, dwelling in tranquility, to be as a clothing for her and her as a clothing for me, to find shelter and sanctuary in other's company, to be decent and kind, supportive and open-minded, this is what she is, but I'm not sure she knows, perhaps it seems like pressure to her, but truthfully, she's a star in the night sky who doesn't know how bright she already glows. If Allah permits me to win her heart, to open doors once closed or kept apart, then I become her shield from the elements unending, the breath beneath her wings to keep her always rising. 

ameen :)

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, the journey is definitely not what I expected it to be. Hah.

There is one constant I am learning, that is a tawakkul or trust in Allah that encompasses everything. It's been a few days since I've heard back from the person, for reasons unknown to me. But, Allah knows, and His knowledge and wisdom in what He decrees is sufficient for me to find some ease in this moment. 

A few lines derived from something someone once mentioned...

can't nobody take, away any thing, because it's what He put into place. this road I started, it's the future itself I chase, no need for yesterdays just Tomorrow all the way. I took from what's past all there was for me to learn, now Allah's destiny itself is my aim where khair in this life and next I try to earn. I barely know her yet, barely speak her language, yet there's signs underneath the surface, that this person's a keeper if I just stay near and patient. truly I've never been an angel, no saint I am to scoff or think another may be lesser, I'm just a dreamer going after his forevers. even if you stay silent, even if you never say another word, I promise I'll speak enough for us both, and pour forth this love without reserve. nah, you'll never drown, it'll just flood your heart to filling, until you let go all your reservations, and dare with me to dream again :)

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, a new year has started. With it come many changes into my outlook in life, how I seek my way forward. 

Jannah-tul-Firdaus has not gone anywhere, the akhirah is still always ever-present as a focus and reminder of where I'm ultimately going to end up, but for the first time in my entire life, I can say that there is a certain joy and anticipation to the journey of this dunya that I'm looking forward to.  

I can't write much yet about the person who helped precipitate these changes, due to personal request (lol), but I can say that Allah is and always has been the best of planners. No matter where I am or what point I think I've reached, always He reminds me that there is a still someone more that I can be, that I am not just the sum of the words I'd written or the experiences I've had. What I can see or perceive is very little, and when I think to go forward with something based on my own limited capacity, it tends not to fit. But when He opens a door for me, bringing into my existence something (or someone, in this case) that I could not have expected, then the possibilities are limitless - if I retain trust in Him.